Difficult Choices

This afternoon, Owen Michael wanted a sucker. We went to the pantry, he picked one, opened it, smiled and took a lick (or two or three). Then, he handed it to me and said "back." What? He's done already?

Owen then asked me for another sucker. Hmm. Maybe he didn't like the butterscotch one as much as his mama likes those. I let him get another. So, we went back to the pantry, he picked a red one, opened it, smiled, took a lick (or two or three). Then, he handed it to me and said "back."
Guess what came next... Yup. A third request for a sucker. Nosirreebob. We can't keep going back to the pantry for more. One of these will have to do, little fella. Oh did a tantrum ever ensue. But, I held my ground. I just got down on his level, asked him to look at me through a window of tears and told him that when he was calm and ready to have one of these two suckers to let me know. After 5 minutes, I just felt sorry for the little guy. I opened my arms to invite a hug. He came slowly to me and just folded himself into my lap. It brought tears to my eyes. Really.
After composing himself, he requested a sucker. So, I lifted him up and went to the scene of the two suckers left behind. It didn't take too many steps in that direction to get the drift that was NOT what Owen had in mind. He thought I had given in. He thought we were going back to the pantry. I love him, loved the hug, loved comforting him, but that doesn't mean I changed my tune....

It didn't take but 20 seconds or so for this tantrum to disappear and for him to ask for a sucker and point to the two on the counter. When he did, I lifted each up and asked him "red or brown." He smiled and extended his hand for both. Well...why not. I gave him both.
There have been countless times this week where I wished that I could choose both things I wanted. It has been a rough week. Owen had a cold that landed us in the doctor's office on Monday. Liam and I have been struggling through a transition to formula -- trying to find bottles and formula that works for the little fella. Sadly, it took me a few weeks to learn that what worked for Owen won't just automatically work for him. I am sorry, Liam.

There have been so many times this week where both of my babies were crying, both in pain, and both needing their mama. And, most of those times, I cannot meet both of their needs simultaneously. How do you choose which of the two little boys you most love in this world to wait it out?

Before Liam entered this world, I thought that answer was easy. The little one--right? He/She would be the one that was really in need of something to be made right. The newborn would be so impressionable--I had read somewhere that how quickly you respond to a newborn's needs directly correlates into how much they grow to trust you. i wanted my new baby to trust me as much as Owen...to get the same swift response Owen had gotten. Hands down, I thought, you choose the little 'un and explain to the toddler that he has to wait.

Guess what. Not so easy when it is really happening. AND, there isn't a handy little guidebook that lists situations faced by moms of two little 'uns and gives advice on what to do {and even if there was, I wouldn't have time to read it}. How do I look at my sick firstborn, who is crying for his mama to help him feel better, and tell him to wait until I achieve X, Y, and Z for his baby brother so that he is calm and happy? My sweet Owen, who so often waits to have a snack/new diaper/nap until after Liam is asleep/happy/fed. This 20 month old's life is filled with moments waiting patiently for me to meet his needs. So, now when he needs me, how do I ask him to wait? But, how do I put a crying newborn with a tummy ache to the side while I give Owen a new diaper/bath/lay with him to go to sleep for the night?

This week, more than ever, I wished I could choose both. A couple of times I was able to. I held them both on the couch Tuesday night. Both crying. Both tired. Both too uncomfortable to calm themselves. I rocked and sang. After a bit, they were both asleep. I didn't move a muscle. I just sat there listening to Sesame Street and watching my boys sleep. Afraid that the slightest move would break the calm. After a while, Liam woke and the calm was over. Sadly, Daddy Q wasn't due home for a bit, so I was faced with a choice.

This time, I chose Owen. I set a crying Liam in the swing and took Owen up to bed. I spent about 20 minutes getting him calm to sleep. My poor newborn cried himself to sleep in the swing. It was heartbreaking. It was, honestly, the most difficult evening I have had with the two since Liam was born.

Liam woke up about 20 minutes later and I loved and loved him until he peacefully fell into slumber for the night. I tried to make it up to him. I survived it. They survived it. It wasn't easy, but we all came out unscathed and the next day was, thankfully, calmer.

I learned a big lesson. I learned that from the outside looking in, it seems like the answers are easy. It seems easy to "know" what you would do in a situation. How you would handle something. Easy to figure out a way to meet both baby's needs. But, the reality is different. Sometimes one person can't make two happy. Sometimes you do have to choose, and sometimes the choice you make could surprise you. Could be something that makes you cringe, but that you must do anyway.

Like me wanting to make both of my boys feel better, Owen wanted to go back to the pantry. He likes the thrill of getting a new sucker from the bag, opening it, trying it, and then starting over. With a dum dum sucker...it is possible to do that; heck, a bag of over 100 cost less than $3. But, what lesson does he learn if I let him do that?

Once the reality that I wasn't going to provide an endless well of dum dums sunk in for him; but, he then couldn't decide between red or brown, I let him have what I have wanted all week...

I let him choose both.